Pen and Paper.
Not JUST Physical.
I care if I’m beautiful, of course I do. I’m a girl, and that’s at least 40-50% of all we ever care about. I DON’T care that I’m not the most beautiful creature out there though. What I’m concerned about is always knowing I have just the right amount of “compartmentalized” beauty: some for my face, a bit more for my mind, and a whole lot for my heart. Knowing that ought to be enough for me.
I know this is a cliche but somehow still a shocking reveal to men and women alike, especially nowadays: Beauty is NOT JUST physical.
I don’t have everything.
Now that’s easy for me to admit, but there was a time when it wasn’t. There was a time when I tried to have it all, but nothing ever worked out. Well, it would always appear to be working out at first, but then in the end, the feeling of discontent never left, no matter how much I’ve accomplished. It was only when I stopped trying so hard and accepted that I already have ENOUGH that I became a HAPPIER person.
You know what the sad thing is? The society we have right now won’t ever tell us that we already have enough. Instead, it will beat you up and push you around with the insane idea that unless you have everything, your life will have no meaning.
You have to find it out all by yourself, and it’s never an easy task, but let me tell you this: it will be your greatest discovery to know that that cliche, almost overrated quote had always been right after all; that happiness was always inside of you all along. :)
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” - 2 Corinthians 5:17
Goodbye My Beloved 2012; Hello 2013, You Promising Stranger, You.
2012 had been a stout year for me. This past year, I had joined my (probably) last pageant, travelled to Ilocos for the first time in my life, met so many new friends, lost a relationship, regained my faith and built a better relationship with the Lord, got hired in a swell hospital, was promoted after a week, met people who will continue to inspire me for the rest of my life, met the love of my life (I love you Luigi Miguel Charvet Garcia), lost my relationship with my pen and paper, got burnt-out real bad, finally admitted to myself and to my family that I didn’t want to be a nurse at all, resigned and gave up nursing after four years of studying it plus almost two years of hospital duty, decided I’m going to change my career path for 2013, got reunited with long lost friends, got reunited with my pen and paper… I have been through so much life shifting events and emotional roller coasters these past 12 months that I couldn’t believe everything had happened within merely a year. What I am sure of, though, is that I am not the person I was when this year began. That, I think is what’s most important. Each time the year ends, it could be three things for you: either you’ve grown into the better version of yourself, remained exactly where you were a year ago, or worse, you’re lost more than ever. I have grown. At least I think I have.
It’s a not an easy thing leaving something you have already committed so much of your time and effort and life into; venturing out into something new and unexplored, but also, something you know you are already in love with. The whole thing is so bittersweet that sometimes, I am overwhelmed and I breakdown. I cry in prayer, asking God to show me the way; thanking Him for placing this much love for freedom inside of me for a reason I know I am to find out soon.
Confessions Of A Quitter.
This is the first time I’ve written anything in months. Let me tell you, it feels so darn good.
So let’s talk about how, recently, I have been sounding a lot like myself about a year ago (probably only a wee-bit lesser whining), when I had been so burned-out at work that I had to leave my then-job in order to give myself the break I knew I deserved.
A few months after that though, I gave my profession another chance and applied again in an institution I know would probably help me become the nurse I have always wanted to be—one who was committed to her work, one who was selfless, one who would and could wholeheartedly give her service to her patients without the slightest thought about what could have become of her life if she had only had the guts to follow her heart’s true calling: literature, music, the arts.
But then here I am again, only eight more months into my service, and that familiar sensation of deep exhaustion had overcome me once more. Everyday was becoming all the more painful; there were even times when I would look at myself in the mirror and ask the woman in front of me if she could deal with this kind of pain for much longer, if she could stand being this person, this stranger, this nurse for the rest of her life. Have you ever felt that? That sense of being depressingly enstranged from your own self? Probably, if not for the friendship and love that surrounded me, I might have completely lost all amour and died inside sooner. The death of the passion burning inside of you since the day you first fell in love with the beauty that surrounded you… that would probably be the saddest way to carry on with life. I would never want that for anyone, much more for myself.
So now I leave my work once more, but the lingering question is that if this is for good. It’s one thing being exhausted about being in something you don’t want for yourself, it’s another leaving it and then coming back to it after a few months because it’s either you have no other choice, or you don’t know how to do anything else anymore. All I know is that If I stayed any longer, I wouldn’t and couldn’t be happy at all. I am tired of denying the fact that I have spent most of my life studying, becoming, and working as a nurse, even though it’s not what I want for myself, and that because of this wrong choice I am caged and unhappy. I now realize that the best thing I have done (just recently) is finally admitting the fact that I might have taken a wrong turn, and that I now need to get back on track in order to start living the life I know I ought to live; in order to start becoming the person I know I ought to be.
Don’t get me wrong. I had no problem with the people I was working with, much more with my patients whom I had learned to love. If any, the thing I loved the most about being a nurse was that I had the privilege to be part of other people’s lives during the time that they needed someone the most. When that arm reaches out for you and you aide them back into their health or comfort, it is truly a priceless and beautiful thing. Last night was my last duty in the hospital. Before I ended my shift, I said my goodbyes to some of our long staying patients who had become like family to me. They all wished me good luck, I even got a few hugs, and it somehow made me want to, just a little bit, not leave at all.
For me, it was just really a matter of not being in love with what I was doing—long hours of technical charting and carrying out of orders when I knew I could be doing something more; the doubts I had on whether I could be doing this for the rest of my life, and the thoughts I had on my mind everyday, the first thing that slapped me hard on the face each day when I woke up at 3 AM in the morning before I could prepare myself for a twelve-hour shift: “I know I could be far more that what I already am as a nurse; that I could live a more passionate, more fulfilled life if I were only free.” I have been told I was both selfish and thick for wanting an easy life during these hard times, but at least I know what I want, and for that I have always been proud of myself.
It’s a not an easy thing leaving something you have already committed so much of your time and effort and life into; venturing out into something new and unexplored, but also, something you know you are already in love with. The whole thing is so bittersweet that sometimes, I am overwhelmed and I breakdown. I cry in prayer, asking God to show me the way; thanking Him for placing this much love for freedom inside of me for a reason I know I am to find out soon. I have so much planned out for myself already, like how I would let myself travel more to discover new places, meet different and inspiring people, and maybe tell the stories of their lives, their beliefs, through my words. Also, I’m planning to delve in deeper into literature and music, two of my true loves in life. On the practical side, I know I have to find a suitable job that would give me both the means and the time to support my fads and let me help my family as well; my family who had all been very supportive with my decisions every time now with this planned career shift. I am both terrified and excited, but most importantly, I am thankful to Him for letting me know all of this as early as now when I have more of my life to live, and to share.
I believe everything happens for a reason; that everything that happens is for a purpose and is inculcated in God’s wonderful, majestic plan. I believe I was brought in Asian Hospital in order to realize that I might have been meant to become a Nurse only for a certain period of my life, and that that period of life might just be over now. That now, I must give myself the chance to be brave enough to face what I really want in life. Also, I believe I was brought there because it was there in that same place where I was destined to meet the love of my life whom I know I will have by my side for as long as we both shall live (I will get into that whole new story later on, of course *winks*). :)
I will never forget each experience I had as a nurse: the things I have learned and the people I have met. I will always be grateful of being given such a wonderful privilege, that’s for sure. I know will carry with me each teaching until the day when I have my own family and am made to nurse and take care of them until they’ve grown big enough to figure out what they want for themselves.
For now though, I must start setting myself free.
Like a stone: Immense. Rooted deep inside earth’s bosom; immovable.
It wants to feel, but it can’t.
It wants to fall, but it won’t.
It does not intend to break the hearts and bones
of the weary who come upon to rest,
but it does.
Inside my heart, it beats.
I feel it—-warm; alive, pretty much.
But it does not believe. It wants to, but it would not.
It sort of forgot; turned all grey and dark and numb.
Like a stone.
Cold. Unforgiving. Relentless. Painful.
It does not want to be, but it is.
I don’t want to be, but I am
Set Them Free.
When I have kids of my own, I will let them go out there to explore the world and discover their own potentials. I will respect their free will, not raise them in fear. I will be selfless enough to go beyond my desire to be needed by them and let them stand on their own two feet. That’s how I would let them know that I believe in them.
If it is only by falling, by failing, that they will learn how to get up on their own and learn, then I will let them. I will let them run. Let them stumble. Let them bruise. Let them heal. Let them grow. As their mother, I will love them unconditionally, yes. I will take care of them, teach them how to live, dream big for them, of course. I will cry with them, be in pain with them, and lay down my own life in order to protect them, most definitely. But also and most importantly, no matter how much it would hurt me, as the mother I would want to become someday, I will set my children free.
While protecting someone you love so much almost always mean a good thing, being overprotective with your children lets you pass your fear onto their own little hearts. They will carry this as they grow up and grow old, because whatever you learn from your childhood, you carry forever. By raising them in fear you make them weak. I would never want this for my own, nor for anyone else’s children. I’m not saying this method is bound to work well for everybody, but I definitely wish more parents out there could open their minds to this.
I Love YOU.
Everyday, I ask God to make me a better person, and everyday He gives me that opportunity—to meet new people and make good and true friends out of them; to remind others about the goodness that is in their own hearts; to help them realize how beautiful and precious they are; to help, to teach, to share, to foster growth.
What a sweet, sweet way to live, being able to shun darkness and negativity out of your heart and, at the same time, being able to inspire others to do the same. Salamat po Lord. I feel You working through me, filling me with love and peace and wisdom that is from You, and there’s no lovelier feeling I could possibly have.
Yes, there will be challenges, and pretty soon, I probably won’t feel as light as I do now. Soon enough I will make mistakes, say and do the wrong things that will hurt a few people, …mess up. Pero I’m still thankful, kasi I know that whatever happens I will always be able to come back to this. To You. :)
Help me inspire more hearts to turn back to You. Not for my glory, but for Yours; not for the fulfillment of my will, but of Yours and Yours alone. I love YOU!
Scarred, Healed, Strong, Real.
Recently I’ve noticed a lot of changes in me.
Like how it doesn’t take much to make me happy anymore. The simpler things are, the better. I do still have the same passion as before, the same urge to make things beautiful, but this time I’m more aware of my limitations. I still want to experience life, you know, live it to the fullest, but now I’m more reminded of my priorities too, plus the importance of being realistic. Now I plan ahead, unlike before when almost everything I tried to do was out of mere impulse. Also, now I’m more able to distinguish the things that are genuinely important—faith, time, career—from the things that I only thought were important, that I thought were what I needed—fame, fortune, all that gibber. Now, I’m able to listen more, and to judge less. To see greater, and be more selfless.
Yep, I think this is what they call growing-up. I’m not saying that being young and wild and free was never beautiful. I’m actually glad I was vulnerable for most parts of my life. If not for that, I would never have become what I am now: scarred, healed, strong, real. :)
I smile. I laugh. I feel. I cry. I stumble. I bleed. I hurt. I heal. I rise up. I sing. I write. I see. I live. I love. I am HUMAN.